It wasn't your job. I let my son be influence by you and your family, I let him go, let him become part of your family, because I couldn't keep him from you. He loved you and followed you, he loved your family and respected your father, and if you knew he was at risk, you should have told us so we could have gotten him help when there was still a chance.
The first I heard anything about it from you was after you 2 broke up and then it was in a negative way as if it was a character flaw and he was a broken person with no morals. I know he hurt you and I am sorry for that. I know he felt awful about it.
The attack of your friends, sister and mother on me while he was in boot camp soured my opinion of you, because it came from you that they would turn on me. I never did anything to you to hurt you and the things that were said to me in those letters, aimed at hurting me because you were hurt by Joe, was because no one could get to him so I was the next best target. I hold a lot of hostility towards you and yours for that.
I feel as if I trusted you all too much. I feel as if I gave you my son because he wanted you, and I felt you were good for him, you seemed to make him happy. I let you have too much influence in his life and I trusted you too much. You knew he was in trouble and kept it to your self and when you did finally say anything to me it was too late because by then, I didn't trust you because you said it in such a way that as I said, you were finding fault in him.
When I talked to him about your concerns over him, and told him you said he had put a gun in his mouth. He said you were lying, that you were just trying to scare me, that I should know by now you were a drama queen and that it had never happened. He convinced me, unfortunately so, that it did not happen, and I blame your friends, sister, mother and you for that because if I hadn't been accosted with the hate mail I received bad mouthing him, I could have listened to you, trusted your concerns were real and pursued him getting help, but I didn't know. How would I? I hadn't lived with my son or seen him but maybe once a year in 6 years. Also, I felt if it were true, why would someone who claims to love him not seek in getting him help all these years, not seek to share with his parents their fears and worries to make sure he was getting the help he needed instead of taking it on yourself and trying to "fix him" yourself. He wasn't a school project.
I don't want to hear from you. I don't care what you think. I just want you to know, I blame you, your family, and your friends. If you hadn't treated him as if he had a character flaw and recognized it was an illness [ha.. yeah.. that's right... medical family that you are....] and hadn't sent me those nasty letters and convinced me you were as he told me a drama queen looking for attention. I could have been more prepared to do something to save him. Instead, what little warning you did give me was too late, given at a time when I couldn't/didn't trust you, was convinced by him you were just trying to scare me and that it was never true and the way you all treated him contributed to his continued depression and self worth. As callus as you all are, I'm sure you will never own your part in his death, but I know you contributed to it. You will continue to blame the victim for character flaws and poor morals as you have in the past, but at least now you know I will always hold you responsible for not helping when you should have, for not sharing with us concerns for his welfare. It was never your place to hold his life in your hands. You did and now he's gone. You are part of the reason.
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